HELLO
Rough
I’ve had a rough couple of weeks. I can safely say that this has been the worst, lowest I’ve felt in a long, long time. I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom - a slump - and it’s gonna take a lot for me to rise back up.
I hate talking about my problems online. I don’t like to show even the slightest that I am going through some troubles. It’s not about wanting to put up a false front but I just don’t like spreading negativity through my posts. I hate looking so vulnerable in front of people. And I really don’t know what to do when people ask me to share about my problems. How much should I share? Should I share everything? Should I share selectively? What do I share? To whom do I share what?
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my father. How it would be like if he were still around. Would things have turned out differently? Would I have been spared from these headaches and heartaches? Perhaps things would have turned out differently if he’s still here. For the better? Maybe. Or for the worse? That’s possible too.
I am in no way at all questioning qada’ and qadr. I believe we are all where He wants us to be. And that there is a reason behind His every decision. It may not be apparent now but insya Allah, I believe the silver lining will appear eventually.
In the meantime, I’ll just have to let go and let God. I am ashamed for the fact that I am seeking Him only in trialling times, but there is nothing and no one in this universe that can help me other than His love and mercy.
I hope this episode will make me a stronger and better individual. You know a slingshot? In order to launch something well, you’ll have to stretch the rubber band so far back right? Yeah, the slingshot is my life, the rubber band is my troubles, and the rock in the launch pouch is me. With a lot of tension and strain, I get pulled so far back. But when I am finally set free, I will fly ahead with so much more strength and power than ever before. Insya Allah.
Hurt by Christina Aguilera (cover)
After Day 0.
Day 1
You walk into the room - exhausted and excited. Exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster you went through for the past couple of days. Exhausted from clearing his room the night before, cleaning and rearranging his things just as how he would. Exhausted from the lack of sleep because the tears took so long to stop falling. But excited nonetheless. Excited to see him, see his face. Excited to talk to him and hold his hand again. Excited that Allah has given you one more day to seek forgiveness from him.
Day 2
The morning after. What happened yesterday? You remember the azan. You remember seeing him breathe his last breath. You remember your brother hysterically calling for him to wake up. You remember closing his eyes shut. You remember feeling his cool skin against your skin. You remember meeting people. You remember hugging people. You remember people telling you to be strong and that everything will be okay. You remember people carrying your dad to his final destination. You remember seeing your brother kiss your dad’s gravestone before handing it over to your uncles standing 3 feet below. You remember crying, but you also remember laughing.
People stream in endlessly, offering condolences and listen on pitifully as you recall your story. And then, maghrib arrives. You feel terribly alone despite having company. You want to cry but you don’t want to cry. You miss him terribly.
Day 3
The extended family comes by for tahlil. Everyone embraces you and your mom and your brother and asks how are you feeling, and then walks away quickly before the waterworks starts. You look at old photo albums. You talk about the next course of action. You listen attentively to the advice that they give, mentally jotting down each and every one of them with the hopes that you will not forget anything. And then, maghrib arrives. You feel terribly alone despite having company. You want to cry but you don’t want to cry. You miss him terribly.
Day 6
You are supposed to start work today but you request for another day off. You run errands. You come back earlier than expected. You take a nap. You wake up feeling like shit because you miss him terribly. You start thinking about the things that you could and should have done. You think about the mistake you could have and should have avoided. You send your brother to his class because now he is your responsibility. You sit in the car and you finally give in to the tears that you have been holding back. You cry and you cry and you cry until you receive a call from your brother to tell you that he has finished class.
Day 7
The gears restart. You go back to work. You receive pitiful looks from people. You answer “OK” when they ask you if you are okay. You retell the stories. You go for lunch. You send emails. You answer calls. You perform your prayers. You pack up and go home.
Day 15
Your mom hands over a letter she found while clearing your dad’s bag. You read the letter. You realise that he knew the severity all along, yet he did not inform you. Your fiance tells you that what was done is done. You can’t help but feel even gutted.
Day 21
You go for class for the first time this semester. You feel tired but you do not want to miss it because he would not want you to. You sit in class and try to pay attention to the lecturer. You scroll through your phone and look at pictures. Oh look, mom posted another status. You feel sad for her. You feel helpless because you wish you could do something more to make her feel better. What can you do to make her feel better?
Day 22 - TODAY
Last night, you got news that a prominent Islamic figure in Malaysia passed on. Masya Allah. To pass away on such a blessed night is just… sigh. And then you remember what happened three Fridays ago. Those images keep flashing in your mind when you least expect them. You want to get rid of them but you can’t. You wish you don’t have to remember them. You make prayer that he is doing well. You yearn for his presence. You tell Allah to convey to him that you miss him terribly. You hope that he knows.
He would have been 50 today. You wish that he would be around much longer to witness your milestones. You keep telling yourself that as much as you love him, Allah loves him more. You thank Allah for loaning him to you. You pray that Allah would forgive his sins and accept all his deeds. Last but not least, you make prayer that Allah will reunite you, him and your family in His Jannatul Firdaus one day. Amin.
Here comes the (lazy) bride
Fuh fuh. Very long never update this thing. My last post was from my Izzue Islam craze phase. Kemaruk tak boleh hangkat!
Anyways, some time has passed and a lot of things have been going on. And I mean, alllllllot. For one thing, the picture above explains it. I’M ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED! … 9 months ago. RIght now, we’re like, past our halfway mark. Just slightly over half a year left to prepare for the wedding and being someone’s wife. (GASPS!)
I’ve just started reading blogs by some BTBs and I gotta say, I’m beginning to panic. Everytime I see something on their blog, I’ll be like “shit, nak kena buat tu?”. I actually bought a wedding planner but that thing has been collecting dust at home since the last time I wrote something in it probably 4 months back. (Biasa lah. Orang baru tunang selalu excited. Hot hot chicken shit only.) I have a mental checklist of the things I have to prepare but everyone knows I have a memory of a 90-year-old granny. So… yup.
(As I type this out, a confirmation email just came in for our marriage preparation course in December. So Marriage Prep Course: CHECKED! Phew. 1 item down, 142679348 items to go.)
Ok lah. I think we’re not that bad in terms of progress. Everything is pretty much booked except for the smaller items like items for the gift trays, invitation cards, door gifts (berkat). I think those are it lah. Oh, of course, our honeymoon destination. We already have a plan and the two places we’ll be heading off to and I’m so eggcited! (Akak lagi excited pasal honeymoon dari wedding, nyah. #gatalehakak #epppp).
Oh ya, venue also not booked yet because of the 6-month window thing. Barang leceh.
Can you tell that I’m the most enthusiastic BTB ever?
Just gotta put this out there. Woke up to the most redonkulous twitter and facebook updates. (I seriously think I should steer off the social media sphere for the sake of my blood pressure) Anyways, I think instead of constantly complaining, blaming the government and demanding for a public holiday (when some of you people actually bothered to stay in very long queues for Hello Kitty dolls in the haze!), why not take care of yourselves and keep a lookout for one another. Stay indoors if your immune system is highly susceptible to illnesses due to bad weather, put on masks when you’re out and drink plenty of water. And put social media to good use. Stay safe everyone! #okdahtuje #sorrynotsorry
#latergram Celebrated @atiqaa’s birthday with my babies and while the birthday girl ate like there’s no tomorrow, little did she know that a bunch of others were hiding behind a car near her block, waiting to surprise her hahaha (at Seoul Garden)
One just got promoted, one stressing over exams, one feeling the pressure nak kahwin and two very angry teachers. That’s why 3 hours not enough. Love you babies muah muah! #kempuNAAN #perotsatisfied (at Al-Azhar Eating Restaurant ال اذحار)